Dear Future Husband 💞: Hello?

... How?

Hello, (listen to die on this hill by Sienna Spiro for full experience)

Dear future husband, it's me again, your wife? maybe. lol.

It's been exactly one year since I wrote my first letter delivered to your mailbox and I can't help but wonder if you got to read it...

I've come to the conclusion that you are just a figment of my imagination and that you as in YOU do not exist in reality. Because how exactly do I explain the turmoil I've been through searching for you in every man I meet? It's been disheartening, discouraging and most importantly disillusioning.

So today once again with the depression clouding my judgement, for the second time in a row I'd be writing a letter to a man that only exists in my fairytale.

Dear future husband, first I need to report everyone in my life to you. No one seems to understand me like you would, no one is willing to put in the effort required to actually see me and not see what I show them. However I do think this perspective is faulty as I no longer even know who I am. On most days I feel like a passive participant in this thing called life, feels like I'd do anything except be active or an active participant in my own life. It's so insane. Well can you blame me? You of all people would know how many times I've decided to try truly being Alive and you know everytime I got scorched. Scratch that, I was set ablaze. Every single day felt like I was being burned alive... I guess that's the concept of hell in itself... I find it hard to believe that it's actual fire because I know some people can't even feel physical pain so what are they supposed to be suffering exactly? That's why in my theology I believe hell is personalized pain and if that was true then heaven remains a myth for me my dear.

Darling, if you remember the first time I wrote to you I mentioned wanting to travel. I know at the time I didn't have any prospects of that coming to pass but guess who didn't just sit around waiting for you to come and actually took the first leap? Uhun you got that right, I told you I was an independent woman and was working to be a better woman for you... I actually took some steps forward maybe twice that amount back but effort is all that matters... right? lol. I'm not so sure right now.

Anyway! I thought I met someone LMAO! I'm always meeting someone! And these choices of mine do prove I'm either clinically insane or downright stupid but you know the good thing about you? It's the fact that I'm sure you wouldn't judge me. More grace than I'd give myself you'd extend to me not necessarily because of me but because that's who you are because before I Do was a friendship so real it was tangible.

God I miss you. But how in tarnation do I miss someone I do not know? Or do I? Nah I don't. Looked at my life and hell nah 😆 there's no way these nonchalant men can be you. There's no way cheats could be you. There's just no way.

Dear future husband, I've settled. I've settled to be treated much less than I deserve, I've settled for connections that feel like contradictions which is insane because just a year ago I told you I'll be waiting but in the space of a year you seem to have gone farther away than most and right now I'm about to settle one more time... settle for a life of silence. Of black and white... maybe colors on days that remind me of what could have been if you existed but you don't so going solo is the best decision for the both of us. Enough of the sad stuff, I have so much to tell you!

Dear future husband, can you believe I ditched my degree in economics to go start afresh somewhere else? And I swear you can't guess what course I'll be studying now coming resumption. Who am I kidding 😂 you probably already know it... well yeah yeah Software Engineering. Isn't that insane? Remember I was so keen on you knowing some economics so you could help me in my career path but I guess life had other plans but it's all good. If there's anything you've taught me despite being an illusion it's that life carries endless possibilities and to love each one.

I'm thinking of adopting a cat since there are so many cats on the streets of Istanbul but you'd probably tell me it's a bad idea seeing how I don't even take care of myself but don't you think a cat would make me more responsible? Those feral animals don't care much for mental health when they need to eat and so it could help remind me to eat... see? I'm thinking like a grown woman! You'd be so proud of me...

You know it's Valentine's Day right? Well another year where you're not here to make it feel wholesome but I took care of myself today at least to the best of my understanding. I cleaned, did my laundry and cooked myself a nice meal. Can you believe it??? Me? A whole me did mature, responsible stuff all day? You're probably clapping for me right now and I think I deserve it! I'm such a big girl now! A big girl who refused to get herself some flowers even though she really wants them... I don't know which ones I'd like yet you know? Also, it feels like I'll be wasting money for groceries on those 😆 dude! They're pretty and I wished I had that but I'll pass maybe next year? Who knows.

To hell with catfishing. I fell apart today. I know it's just another day and every other day has the same line feeling but today was worse. I got stood up today. Bawled and cooked only because I used up all my energy cleaning and didn't want to die yet. And as if the heavens felt the need to rub salt on my injury my neighbor asked me to help with his Valentine's decorations... he wanted to surprise his girlfriend after their dinner date and so when I offered to help out I didn't know how damning it would feel but it did. Oh goodness it did. Why do I have to lie to you as well and pretend it didn't hurt? It did. It does. Always. Hurts worse because I put in more effort each year and each time I'm made to feel like I do not matter. Where the hell are you?

Once again I refuse to accept you do not exist. If you don't exist how then do I know and feel you?

This year I don't have more expectations to hand out to you...

I think I've told you enough of what I want already. In fact I've literally spoon-fed you information on how I want to be treated and so this time around I don't have what to tell you to do for me as I've bruised my pride enough.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be willing to tell you my favorite kind of chocolate so you don't bother buying any coconut infused chocolate. But right now I'm just writing to tell my future husband how a day treated me and I'm refuting consumerism by not painting a pretty picture.

One last thing, I'm willing to die on the hill that you exist... I just haven't found you and maybe... just maybe you're not in someone else... who could ever know? Life is definitely a puzzle.

I'm still waiting for you. Sevgillim ❤️

Sending you my entire heart this time 💜❤️ in this letter 💌✉️💖

A~A